Who can help

Counselling services are useful when a child dies, but sadly appointments are not as readily available as you may imagine. What you need is someone to talk to at the time you want to talk now, often not in a few weeks, but you’ll find that this facility is not yet fully available in the way you need it.  You may also want someone to share your feelings and thoughts with at a later date; in a few weeks, a few months, again in a few years. Do speak to your GP and ask for a referral for counselling, but remember it can take a while to get an appointment.  Don’t be embarrassed to say, at any stage, that you can’t wait any longer and if you aren’t comfortable with the counsellor allocated do say so. Sometimes you just want them to know what it’s like and if they haven’t got children or hopefully their own children are thankfully fine you may feel they “just don’t get it.”  It is vitally important that you know from the outset that these professionals cannot fix this problem, but they will provide you with various skills to help you get through. You will probably feel eventually that going to your GP doesn’t help or indeed your medical teams may say that to you, but you will hopefully have other outlets – a counsellor, family, friends.

Never be afraid to say out loud that you can’t cope and don’t hide the way you feel. Family and friends might be able lend a useful ear.   Some will definitely disappear from your radar – life does change all around you for you and your family.  This can often feel like rejection, but they are coping with the loss of your child in a very different way and some struggle to know what to do or say, perhaps moreso if they have been exceptionally close.  What they don’t understand is that they probably can’t make you feel any worse.

There can be no fixed way of coping, but your family, friends and your child’s friends may be of some comfort at times.  Your child’s friends have lost a friend so they will be devastated, but they have to find their way.  Their parents will perhaps also feel guilty for still having their child(ren).  None of you can change these things.  Most people don’t have enough energy to do anything much at all.  You will need lots of “you” time and people around you will try to help, but they’ll get used to what you need to do.  Just let them know that’s all you can do “today.”  The loss of a child creates very complicated grief.  “Do accept help,” “do try to talk when you can” and “don’t isolate too often.”

Don’t ever worry about repeating how you feel.  You must also always feel free to talk about your child(ren) and what happened at any time.  Family, friends and you will find this difficult, but do keep talking to each other.  It won’t ever be easy, but it will be good to hear your child’s name.  They won’t mind listening at all, but their initial reactions could make you feel as though you shouldn’t talk.  They won’t mean for this to happen, it appears to be a natural process.  It’s also ok to say so or walk away if you feel you can no longer be included in a conversation due to your child dying.  Just let your friends know that’s what you are doing.  Don’t give up, they too will learn that it’s ok to talk.

Try not to let go of the happy memories, the friends your child(ren) knew, the photos, the DVDs. It is understandable if you have to say you can’t see people.  You have to go with what you can cope with on the day.  There are no rules.  We can only give personal ideas and we do understand that everyone handles complicated grief very differently.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Pretty much anything has to be right at the time.

Coping with the trauma that comes before, during and after a child passes away is more difficult than most people could begin to imagine and we do hope that they never have to experience it, but complicated grief and post traumatic stress are not one and the same so seek professional help when you feel you need it or if family/friends are asking you to.  You do have to learn to accept that you won’t cope with the loss of a child by yourself.